RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate
by pyr0
Summary: A collection of journal entries from Norrington, Jack, and others.
1. Jack Sparrow, Week I

**Author's Note: **This story is yet again being revised – my atrocious spelling and grammar as of three years ago has begun to take its toll on, well, _everything_ and I want to make this story as bearable as possible to read. Tee hee! Please review (as always) for there will be cookies and love to spread amongst all of you dearies. Also, look for an update to this story in the next few weeks.

Toodles!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Disney's _Pirates of the Caribbean_ or any of the characters and/or events associated with this film.

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
****Captain Jack Sparrow – Week 1**

**DAY 1**

Anamaria and Roselind turned on me this evening, one right after the other. I swore I'd been with no other women! Well, except for Maria…Isabel…Oh and Lorena…and Estrella…Can't forget her…But it was an accident!

Oh and there was this lovely little shindig I managed to faniggle into…danced with this girl…and Turner was there too! With lovely Lizzy! Tsk, tsk, Turner. Got to learn to keep your cat on a leash! Rawr! I believe I saw Norrington, and I think my suspicions proved true as the sop was hunched over in a chair, hugging himself and sobbing something horrendous…Ehh…

Bloody monkey kept me awake all hours of the night. Asked Gibbs; he says he heard nothing. _Note to self: Buy more traps. Extra large.

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**DAY 2**

Got drunk again last evening. Rum tasted bitter; suspectin' Monkey found out about plans and pissed in rum. I swear Monkey followed me everywhere today, his beady eyes followin' me every move. Wait…What am I talkin' about?! I must still be feeling effects of rum…Monkey…I'm gonna hurl…

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**DAY 3**

Ran into bloody Norrington, rather cheeky fellow he is sayin' somethin' 'bout him bein' Commodore now, eh. Whoopee. Too bad he lost Elizabeth – he needs a woman.

Went into town, bought some more traps, went back to the boat. We really do need a ship…a nice ship…a BIG ship…like the _Pearl_…Now, don't get me wrong; our little boat – err, ship – works just fine. Maybe it just needs to be painted a different color…

I left Gibbs in charge and this shall be the last time I ever do that. Let's just say it was a matter of leverage.

Took a nap. Gibbs woke me for dinner. _Note to self: Don't let Gibbs make dinner.

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**DAY 4**

Caught up with Will; he and Elizabeth have decided to get married. Funny, I always thought of him as a eunuch…Ah, nevermind then. He seems more less of a pirate now than before he made such a decision, which can only mean one thing: she's turnin' him into a gentlemanly, eunuchy dandy! Poor lad doesn't even remember Tortuga!

Anamaria went with me to town, dragged me with her into a shop while she tried on dresses for an hour. Last time I take a woman with me…Tho' it'd be bad not to 'ave 'er. Mr. Cotton went also. Poor man needed a new parrot as 'is died 'bout three days ago. Fell off the rigging just as someone swung a beam…Poor bird was blown out over the water. Never saw 'em again. Cotton's been heartbroken an' barely left his cabin. That bird was 'es life. Can't say I missed the bloody bird anyway, always talkin' t' me…Poor man. Anyway…Got to go, Gibbs is making dinner again an' I gotta get a bucket.

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**DAY 5**

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! ALL THANKS TO BLOODY, STUPID WILL!

How so? Well, BLOODY STUPID WILL stole my compass! Yes, you know, THE ONE THAT SUPPOSEDLY DOESN'T WORK! He found it on the floor in his bathroom and said that it was, and I quote in the most pansy-ish, fruit-cup-ish accent I can conjure – COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME SINCE IT DIDN'T WORK AND ALL AND THAT IT WOULD GO WELL IN A MUSEUM! So, he took it to the museum down the street and sold it for a lousy SHILLING. A _SHILLING_! I could've ripped his bloody head off! But Elizabeth rushed in and told me not to kill the whelp because he was worth $15mil. OOOOOH, EXCUSE ME, MISS. THING, MS. BLOODY STUPID WILL TURNER! I WON'T LAY A HAND ON YOUR BLOODY $15MILLION DOLLAR PAYCHECK!! I ran out fuming and tripped over a bloody rock! Everyone came and say "Captain" Jack Sparrow, flat on his face cursing a bloody stupid rock. _Everyone_. That's not all though. _Oh no._ Cotton's NEW parrot, Jolly, came along and crapped right on me back. Wonderful. Captain Bird Crap Sparrow…

STUPID BLOODY BIRD!!

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**DAY 6**

Thank God Gibbs has been removed from kitchen duty! I don't think I would've been able to stand another "home cooked" meal.

Turner came and apologized this morning. Must've realized what a mistake marrying that hussy Elizabeth was. But ah, I bet he kissed her and all was well once more. Wonderful.

Still haven't caught Monkey; he's sleeping durin' the day and prancing around durin' the night. Gibbs still hasn't heard. The man's deaf, I swear.

The crew sang a delightful song…About clams and oysters. Pity.

Oh yes, and Cotton replaced Gibbs on kitchen duty which I fear is another mistake because Jolly is in there with 'em. Birds and food – not a good combination, especially after what Cotton's other bird did to Mullroy and Murtogg! Think about it…What if we were to have chowder?

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**DAY 7**

Well, it's been a week since we've arrived in Port Royal. Since this be the last night here, we must have a _good time_.

Events for this evening include:

1. Take Anamaria out for a lovely candlelit dinner…Try and win her over again (hehe.)

2. Let Cotton go into town and try to find more manuscripts for Jolly.

3. Remind Lee to swab me holds; during Gibb's kitchen duty they got awfully messy.

4. Buy hat.

5. Remember not to reveal rum stash to anyone…Wait, I be so drunk so I won't be able to remind myself…Bugger!

6. Send professional opinion on Elizabeth to Will.

Well, a good time is about to begin. I shall write soon for tomorrow, we leave for…TORTUGA!

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	2. James Norrington, Week I

**Author's Note: **More revision…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _PotC _nor am I conspiring to own it.

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
James Norrington - Week 1**

**DAY 1**

My dearest Sophia encouraged me to keep a diary, err, _journal_ of my daily activities, so here it goes.

This morning I ate breakfast, which was quite the usual despite Marco putting extra cinnamon on my French toast and extra sugar in my coffee. I swear that man is up to something! He's quite the suck up after-all. Hmm, suck up. Reminds me of Gillette. Haven't seen the little brown-noser the past couple of days…Oh well, must've stepped out to get cupcakes or he's taking time off to get a manicure or to do some other girly, sissy _things_.

Governor Swann is still upset about Elizabeth choosing Will over myself. That man is foolish; I simply cannot see how Elizabeth is happy with that…that…Blacksmith!

AND he participated in piracy. That's not all well either.

I went to the fort. Gillette wasn't there. The men say they haven't seen him for several days, which isn't at all unusual, as he often tries to hit on women after which he retreats into a depressive slump after being rejected over…and over…and over…oh and they laugh too. Oh, how they laugh.

This evening I've been shanghaied into attending a ball, an event which simply covers over the boredom of my endless charade of a life. At least Sophia will be by my side.

The ball was quite nice, better than I myself had expected. It was cut short, however, because of a pirate who was rather drunk and was none other than "Captain" Jack Sparrow. He stumbled in during the third waltz of the evening and rudely cut in with my wife! I'd hate to say this, even in writing, but I think that she rather enjoyed the crude experience. Ooh, I had to turn away and hide my eyes…And weep.

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**DAY 2**

Sophia woke quite hung over this morning. I told her not to drink that much, but "Norrie" (as is her pet name for me) was too "strung up" in the moment and "couldn't enjoy" himself. Pity.

I shan't forgive Sparrow for this rather tragic event that occurred; I even half expected Turner to show up alongside him, but NO! He was at home with Elizabeth! I never will understand why she chose him over me. NEVER!

Anyway, I went into town this morning and bought myself a new hat because, as you well know, Commodores must look their best – or at least manage to look intelligent.

Dinner was wonderful; Sophia and I went out to the docks afterwards, feeding each other little baby pears and strawberries…I swear I saw Sparrow watching us as we headed back home, but Sophia assured me it was a squirrel. I care naught of squirrels. Sparrow is everywhere I tell you! _Everywhere!

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**DAY 3**

Caught up with Jack Sparrow at the docks and told him all the juicy details of my new position and what it meant for him and any of the other scoundrels out there. He seemed quite impressed and intimidated. I feel so proud. It's good he hasn't realized Sophia as my wife; after all, I haven't exposed her to the general public. We met last year at this sunny little villa in the south of Spain and everything went well. We sailed back to Port Royal together where we planned a wedding. We then married privately in Costa Rica – wonderful wedding. Although her mother is quite dreadful, worse than Sparrow, one could say. She's my mother-in-law and as for that, well, you know how it goes.

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**DAY 4**

Saw Elizabeth and that Turner fellow in the streets. They're still planning their wedding, albeit, loudly as I passed by. I've heard the men talk about her…and then something about fruit and a large pair of boots…But regardless – how rash, Turner! Gossip is horrible so forgive me for ever mentioning it.

Sophia's mother, Doris, is worried that I still have feelings for Elizabeth. How dare she? I wouldn't have married Sophia if it was at all like that! BLASPHEMY! SACRILEGE! LIES…?

However, I do know for sure that I do not love Elizabeth. After she lead me on and then dropped me like a hot potato at the last moment…How could one love such?

Enough, I am becoming depressed. This little hot potato needs a nice Chianti…

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**DAY 5**

My day has turned for the better!

I was walking in town today and happened across one Jack Sparrow, lying on the ground, covered in bird crap! Ah, I couldn't stop laughing! I stumbled over to him and he was muttering curses, something about "Bloody Stupid Will." How just, I imagined Turner had something to do with it. After the little fiasco at Sparrow's hanging, I shouldn't have doubted problems to follow.

I went home. Sophia was waiting for me; said something about feeling nauseous all morning. Marco was a nervous wreck because he was afraid he had made the lady ill. Poor man. I felt sorry for him and sent him away for a few days. He's been a wonderful aid to us and he deserved it…woah…where did that come from?

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**DAY 6**

I am to be a father! Sophia has just informed me that I am to be a father! O joy!

Doris found out as well, Sophia called her over. They spent the rest of the day locked away in our room, drinking and eating and talking about plans for the child. Doris is equally pleased with me. For once in my life I thought she'd be pleased with me, not the fact that I've produced an heir for their family's fortune. At least I know that Sophia is happy and that she really loves me. That makes the world so much better.

Doris finally left around, oh, 10:30pm. She said she'd be back tomorrow with old clothes that belonged to her son Robert and to Sophia, since she has yet to know what the child will be. Oh, I hope my son…Or daughter…develops the same distaste for Doris…that evil woman.

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**DAY 7**

Sophia continues to get sick in the morning. I feel sorry for her. All hormones and mood swings, which have actually gotten worse since this began. She'll be so sweet and cuddly and then she'll turn on you, with fangs and claws.

Doris returned, as promised, and locked herself and Sophia away again for several hours. Then, around 9:00pm, they appeared at the top of the stairs and came down, teary-eyed and hysterical with laughter, singing something about flowers and August. Drunk, I presumed, but no – turns out they had no wine. Sophia was just in an extremely good mood. She came over to me and lifted my arms, begging me to dance with her and the child. I can't take much more of this. Someone relieve the insanity!!

The world is mad now. Sparrow has a woman and my wife is beside me mumbling about flowers and August. Perfect.

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**Author's Note: **Remember – cookies and love for reviews! 


	3. Hector Barbossa, Week I

**Author's Note: **Revision, revision, revision...Oh, and please keep the reviews coming - I LIVE ON THEM!!

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Captain Hector Barbossa - Week 1**

**DAY 1 **

Ragetti lost his eye again. That man has trouble holding onto EVERYTHING! He can't even hold his lunch for Pete's sake! He sure is a queer little fellow. I best keep an eye on him so long as he doesn't resort to random acts of stupidity as my last crewman did. Oh, that was a frightful day, very frightful indeed. Anyway, we've been out at sea for a few days now and still no sign of intelligent life anywhere. My dear friend, Jack…The monkey, that is, not that thieving little imbecile…Either way, my dear Monkey Jack has been missing for three weeks! I haven't the slightest idea where he could've run off to.

My crew is murmuring about adventures on broccoli island…and something strange about sacred broccoli, but I know not what they ramble about.

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**DAY 2**

THAT TARD OF A MAN RAGETTI!!! I've had it with his "life is a waste" satire that has been going for a day already! He usually snaps back, for he is a pirate. But I've never seen this man in a slump for this long. Mallot and Grapple walked in with a clump of cookie dough and told him to put it in his eye socket. That fool did so and got it stuck. I've never been surrounded by this much idiocy in my life.

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**DAY 3**

I've decided to ignore Ragetti completely. I held a meeting with a few of me crew this morn', and they all wanted to just lock Ragetti in the brig until we reach Port Royal. But I, with all the compassion left in my heart, decided on something better – To maroon him in Port Royal! Of course with me being the Captain that I am they agreed to it. Oh yes! Yes! I feel the maniacal plot formulating already!!

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**DAY 4**

We've finally reached Port Royal. Finally we can rid ourselves of Ragetti once and for all.

Perhaps we must relieve ourselves of Ragetti sooner than first thought. Earlier, he was running amuck and shouting, "ME EYE IS GONE!!" and so I, being the roguish Captain that I am, booted him off the ship, hoping to silence him, but no. He keeps on kicking and screaming in the water. I ordered Mallot and Grapple to hoist him up where, much to my crew's delight, I called him a tard and had him locked up at once. Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for him, but he is taking this far too seriously.

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**DAY 5**

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

HE'S GONE!! THAT BLOODY FOOL IS GONE!! Me crew and I got a good laugh when we took up anchor. Ragetti had gone into town after we informed him that there was a man there who specialized in making glass eyes for "folk of his kind" as Bo'sun so elegantly put it. Glass eye makers...right on the beachfront! AND THE POOR SAP FELL FOR IT TOO!! So, he comes back just as we get away from the port and we're all watchin' him run down the dock...He gets closer and closer and then finally he trips and falls flat on his face! Grapple fell over. Mallot hit himself he was laughin so hard. And I couldn't breathe to save me life! The only one who wasn't laughing was that pastry of a man Pintel who had this rather shocked look on his puffy face. So he saunters over and says, "Why'd we leave Ragetti?" So, I say the first thing that comes to me mind, savvy? I say that Ragetti needs some time to think and that we'd check back on him in a few weeks. Afterall, by the time we come back, Ragetti won't even remember us. MUAUAHAHAHAHA!!

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**DAY 6**

Great. Now I've got another mope on me hands. All Pintel does now is wobble around and complain about Ragetti. His concentration is...Speaking of concentration; I threw his sword to him...Yeah...STABBED HIM RIGHT THROUGH!! There isn't much going on up there, I swear. So now he is down in the galley with Bo'sun, watching him make cabbage soufflé. _Note to self: Relieve Bo'sun from kitchen duty. Those soufflés aren't all that and a bottle of rum if you know what I mean.

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**DAY 7 **

Ragetti has been gone two full days and now...'Tis time to celebrate! Mallot and Grapple made some wonderful cream cake and rice pudding and brought it out for the world to share. Pintel, sluggish as he is, reluctantly joined the festivities. After he got drunk, he was back to his old self, as is the custom.

The celebration has finally died down. I'm sitting here...With my best lass and best rum, watching the stars. The world is silent...Except for Pintel who is now...Oh my g...Who is now singing about pumpkins and crystal chandeliers.

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	4. Joshamee Gibbs, Week I

**Author's Note:** I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for all your wonderful reviews! kisses  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Disney's _Pirates of the Caribbean_ in any way, shape, and/or form. Are you happy now?

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Joshamee Gibbs – Week 1**

**DAY 1**

I'm still trying to figure out why Jack keeps asking me about a monkey. I must've told him a dozen times that I haven't heard a thing, but that daft fool won't take no for an answer. I bet he's just a wee bit paranoid after the "Barbossa Incident," but is too foolish to admit it. I reckon he needs to stop drinkin' so much 'o that bloody rum! It's messin' up 'is thinkin'.

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**DAY 2**

That bloody fool got drunk again! I'm tending to my kitchen duties and 'ere he comes! Captain Jack Sparrow, swaggering aboard with two bar wenches on his arm. TWO!! COUNT 'EM, TWO!! Poor sap probably won't even remember 'em though. Now that's a bloody shame.

I've just been awakened by none other than, you guessed it: Jack, drunk as a skunk. He came in, oh about an hour ago, babbling on and on endlessly bout a monkey spying on him and lurkin' around in his toiletries. And this man, this "sexy beast" as he put it, expects me to believe him when he's high on rum? No wonder he sees monkeys...

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**DAY 3**

Tonight is my first night making my first dinner for the crew as the official "Chef." See, what I did was mix a little bit of horseradish with sixteen whipping pounds of limburger cheese (famous from Switzerland or somewhere, not at all entirely sure of how it got here, but I'm feeding big boys!) Combine those and let it soak in red wine vinegar. Then you take that mixture and shape it into a bit of a ship shape, 'aye? Then you sprinkle salt, pepper, and powdered sugar all over it and voila! "Ship ala Cheese" is served!

I was absolutely appalled, however, at the look on Jack (and the crew's) faces when I served them their supper. Cotton threw up. Anamaria started poking it and making gagging noises. And Jack, well, being the smug little brute that he is, tossed the entire plate out the window; said his "palette was too delicate for that insufferable slop". I'll give his "palette" something to be delicate about!

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**DAY 4**

'Tis a mournful day; Cotton's beloved parrot has left us, gone to the big perch in the sky. Cotton hasn't been seen since, only coming up to grab his violin and some tissue before retreating into his cabin. Anamaria was able to comfort him for a moment and she and Jack persuaded him to go to town with them to look for a new parrot. Aye, it'll never be the same…

So while we await our Captain's return, some of the crew and I are engaged in a rousing game of _Furry, Furry Rabbit_. I'm winning!

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**DAY 5**

Jack's been in town all day again. AGAIN! Not even bothering to bring us anything back for our hard work that we've spent, or rather wasted, serving him for…for…a…few…a…uh…a really long time!

Another splendid game has been played this day! It isn't _Furry, Furry Rabbit_ though, but the ultimate game of pirating merriment..._Pin the Eye Patch on the Pirate_! Lovely!! Lovely!!

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**DAY 6**

I've been replaced?! That horrible imbecile Jack has replaced me as the grand chef, mind you, with that Cotton fellow! THE NERVE!! THEEEE NERRRVE! That man shall pay! Especially after that comment about my "home cooked meals" being much too sensitive for his bloody "sensitive palatte…" Oh, that man shall pay, indeed!

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**DAY 7**

I wonder why Jack is swabbing the holds again? Oh that's right...MY BLOODY KITCHEN DUTY MADE EVERYONE BLOODY SICK!! SO BLOODY SICK THAT THEY BLOODY HURLED ALL OVER THE BLOODY HOLD!! AND IT'S MY BLOODY FAULT!!

I have exacted me revenge upon Jack. Won't be long now until he discovers that his nightstand has miraculously been POLISHED!! Clean, yes, CLEAN!! FOR ONCE IN ITS BLOODY SAD EXISTENCE, IT IS CLLEEEAAAANNNNN!!

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	5. Elizabeth Swann, Week I

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Pirates_. Disney does. sob, boo hoo, sob, cry

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Elizabeth Swann - Week 1**

**DAY 1**

Will and I have decided to marry. Too bad for James I suppose. He was a _really_ fine man. I cannot wait until we walk down the aisle together! I can only count the hours – the hours of trying to decide what to wear, how to wear my hair, how to wear my make-up…what color the placemats and napkins will be at our reception…or even what hat my dearest will wear on his little head! Oh!

I suspect Will is hiding something from me. I paid him a little visit this morning when he was still in bed. He was hastily writing something in a tatty leather bound book and when I inquired of him as to what it was, he clutched it close to his chest and stared at me until I saw the hopeless situation and left. Men…

I have also decided that I want a daughter! She is to be the perfect little lady…A graceful young woman who will one day marry a wonderful man…Like Norrington.

Well, I'm back and the Governor's Ball was tonight. I saw James! My James! Oh, Will looked alright next to him but he was smashing! But the wench on his arm ruined that…Hmm, she's got the strangest nose…Anyway, much later on, after Will had retired due to a severe case of diarrhea, I remained with my father and he insisted we all sit together and converse. This strange man arrived (whom I shall call Jerry), rushing in and dragging Norrington away from the table, and he went, naturally, telling us he had business to attend to. HA! I know what he's up to. He's…Going…to go see if the band will play my song! What? It's not my fault men throw themselves at my feet…He cried for a good part of the evening though; I suppose I should've cheered him up, but I guess my presence wasn't enough.

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**DAY 2**

My father visited me this afternoon and he brought with him the necklace my mother always used to wear. It is rather lovely – a crystalline blue stone suspended upon a ribbon-like chain. I put it on immediately and looked in the mirror. Father said I look just like her…Whoever she was.

I spent the rest of the evening trapped at an endless tea party with the ladies: Moira, Angela, and Stephiana, in which they gossiped about Gillette and various other men in the King's Royal Navy with whom they held "acquaintances" with. The tireless charade finally closed around 9:30pm when I excused myself. According to my sources, it lasted another three hours until Lady Moira's wife…I mean _husband_, George, returned home from the pastry shop he owned. I'm so pleased that my dear husband-to-be is a blacksmith…_Not_ a pastry chef.

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**DAY 3**

Will was in town ALL day long so, out of sheer boredom, I managed to find a doll that looked like him and I started launching him off of certain objects…Hand rails…Broom handles (THAT was interesting)…But I accidentally dropped him down the well so…

_Note to self: Take more notes whilst cloud gazing. I saw a cloud that looked like a donkey!_

After an exhausting trip to and from the basement to get my evening wear, I decided to treat myself to an extravagant dinner and massage. And, to make it even better, I decided to do it at Will's so I could surprise him when he returned!

I don't know whether or not Will liked my surprise (I sure enjoyed it!) Robert made exceptional fillet mignon, Eric brought the most fantastic vintage wine, and Rose gave me a deep tissue massage – complete with oils and everything! I was going to ask him to join me for a dip in the ocean, but he murmured something about being foolish and walked away. So I grew rather lonely and Estrella (thank God she was there – like a sister she is…) and I had a girl's night in, chatting and doing "girl things…"

Will sure is a sissy. He fell asleep in his shop, sitting upright in his chair! I left him. Yes, I left him.

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**DAY 4**

Started my womanly, monthly…You know! I crave mussels so terribly much…I wanted to ask Will to do it, since I kind of, sort of, might have scared away my other slaves…I mean servants…Ohh…The cramps...Oh the pain…Oooh, the mussels!

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**DAY 5**

Ate lunch with William, who actually looked quite dashing...except for that little strand of hair that is always hanging in front of his eyes. It's a wonder he doesn't walk into things more! I've been trying to get him to wear a wig like James…I mean Commodore Norrington…But he wouldn't have it; says they're stuff. Patsy…

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**DAY 6**

I think Will is upset with me. I was politely and calmly (as a lady always should) suggesting to him that he should perhaps get another hat. The one he wears now makes me angry just looking at it…the wide brim…jilted angle…that stupid, puffy feather…Makes him look like a wild dandy, that's what! He gave me this look and began humming some obscene ditty and, I know this is very inappropriate…but I scratched his cheek and sort of twisted his nipple...but it wasn't like that!

My father and I went into town again this evening for our lovely little father/daughter dinner we've had custom of since I was six. Will offered to cook, but the man cannot cook beans, let alone a three course meal!

He also made father this delightful little dagger! Father, in all his disapproval of blacksmiths and their trade…Or maybe disapproval of Will…made a sort of face that made Will just about cry! Pity…

I was then sitting and reading a book when Will had returned from giving Gillette his hat. He was red hot and murmuring something and calling him a "scandalous little weasel" and other curses. I was going to stop him but decided he was afterall a blacksmith and he was capable of…Well, actually, he's not capable of very much of anything, but that's not the point. Hmm, maybe he is just a hormonal little sissy girl with a manly physique…or surgery! They do that you know!

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**DAY 7**

A week has gone by already? My goodness! I was out picking flowers in our garden when I realized it; that and a strange little man, whom I shall call Seymour, hopped our fence and interrupted my me-time. That is until the guards tackled him and tossed him over the fence…which unfortunately faced the cliffs. I do hope he is alright…He screamed an awful lot.

Father took me dress and hat shopping! He said he had something to tell me, but refrained as Will accompanied us. I'm hoping to get him a nice, big Commodore hat.

Will looks annoyed – maybe he's just constipated. His forehead is all scrunched up and his eyes are bulging; even his lips are in on the action as his mouth is twisted, tilted to the side as he walks along beside us. I wonder if he has a problem, as he makes that face a lot. Perhaps one day, when we are married, I shall take him to see a proper doctor. Yes, that's the ticket!

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**Author's Note:** I apologize if there are any plot holes or what have you - for example, characters popping up in other character's accounts when they're not supposed to be there. I am imperfect and make mistakes. So if you notice any, it would be great if you would please bring them to my attention. Thankies! (hands out cookies) 


	6. Anamaria, Week I

**Author's Note: **Yay! Here's another one!  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own Disney's _Pirates of the Caribbean.

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**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
****Anamaria – Week 1**

**DAY 1**

Jack doesn't care about me! I caught him clearly cheating on me with those bar wenches…Scarlett, was it? Giselle, or something or another! What sort of ridiculous names…? At least here I am accepted…What am I thinking?! The men are only interested in me when I'm either a) taking a shower, b) feeding the fish, c) getting dressed (it's Jack's fault for having that porthole installed on the cabin door!), d) playing Uno in the weekly game of strip poker, or e) peeling scallops and grapes for his majesty, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

All men are pigs! And don't even get me started on his lifelong love affair with alcohol! I've seen that lusty look he gets in his eyes whenever he spies rum on the bar. After that, he completely forgets about me and drowns his "sorrows" in the love of his life. One day he'll appreciate me. Once his liver fails and he needs me…Wait…He'll probably still rely on RUM!!!

And WHY does he keep pestering me about that STUPID, BLOODY MONKEY!? Maybe it's his new "thing."

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**DAY 2**

Jack came to me drunk last night. Luckily since last year he's developed a high tolerance for rum and can drink gallons in a single sitting without puking his brains out, passing out for days and then waking up with one righteous hangover. I think it's incredible and that more than makes up for the fact that he is feeling me up…Not that he wouldn't do that anyway.

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**DAY 3**

Gibbs started kitchen duty today – 'twas **not** a pretty sight. He made this sort of smelly blob that he claimed was completely edible. Well, judging from the smell and the rather hilarious reactions from the boys, I'd say it's not fit to scrub the toilet with. By God, Gibbs! You've finally outdone yourself! I can't say I don't feel sorry for him though – he had this absolutely pathetic look on his face as Jack broke his heart by throwing the food out the window. Unfortunately, it splattered all over the deck with the most dreadful sound: a cross between flatulence and a small mammal being smashed with a heavy object. I don't suspect the birds will even touch it.

* * *

**DAY 4**

A day of mourning was called today because Cotton's beloved parrot has passed away. Cotton spent six hours negotiating with the ever moronic Jack Sparrow, trying to get him to allow a memorial service as he cried and cried…I was finally able to spare poor Cotton any more suffering when I made a "deal" with Jack in exchange for the memorial.

Get your mind out of the gutter! – I promised to polish his boots.

After the service we – with the exception of Jack, of course - all headed to the bow where we tossed Cotton's Parrot's food, toys (including a dirty sock), and his little sweater and hat into the ocean. May he rest in peace.

Although Cotton is still rather solemn, he agreed to accompany us into town to go Parrot-shopping.

* * *

**DAY 5**

Cotton returned late last night with a bird! It looks exactly like his last one except this one's name is Jolly. Cotton seemed overly excited, but I don't think it's a laughing matter considering the bird would NOT shut up! Jack is not going to be happy about this…

Jack finally got what was coming to him! He received the ultimate in supreme humiliation in town today. How do I know, right? I'm just a boring old boatwife…type…person. Anyway, he comes back to the ship ranting and raving about bloody this and bloody that and that Jolly "crapped on his back." He also said something about Will Turner…gods…what a sexxxy man!

* * *

**DAY 6**

Hallelujah! Jack finally replaced Gibbs with Cotton on kitchen duty. I don't think I could've undergone another one of his repugnant "gourmet" recipes. The last one had me puking for weeks and left Jack rather constipated.

Jack (unfortunately) is still complaining that there is, in fact, a monkey in our room at night. I have yet to see it myself and often wonder whether or not Jack is sober when he makes these outrageous accusations. Also makes me wonder what else he is on.

Oh, speaking of sober, Will came over this morning! Wanted to speak to Jack, but he had to talk to me first! He's the _finest hunk of man_ I've EVER seen! What a beefcake!

* * *

**DAY 7**

Jack tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to get me to go out with him tonight. After what happened earlier this week, he doesn't – IN NO WAY – deserve my lovein'! Maybe Roselind can kep him company…But I doubt it. After she sees him for the player he is, he'll be dumped in the curb.

But...I do feel rather awful for not going with him. After all, he's still Jack and that has its own perks…

* * *


	7. Pintel & Ragetti, Week I

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill...Me. No. Pirates.

**Author's Note:** Thank you for all your reviews! Keep 'em coming, dearies! ((Throws cookies off the balcony))

**

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**

DAY 1

**Pintel: **Today was nice. Bo'sun made the most delicious soufflé; it was so beautiful. That was until Ragetti lost his eye (again). It rolled onto the table and over a cheese square and finally came to rest in the middle of the soufflé. Bo'sun was mad, of course, and launched Ragetti's eye out the window! Now my poor friend has no eye!

**Ragetti:** Me eye's gone!! Me eye! ME BEAUTIFUL EYE IS GONE!! All thanks to bloody Bo'sun! He threw it out the window! ME EYE!!! Me EYYYYEEEE!! I'm so happy Bo'sun's bloody soufflé is ruined! He lost my bloody eye!!

* * *

**DAY 2**

**Pintel: **I hope Ragetti doesn't get suspicious, as I have been acting rather odd lately. Truth is, I've commandeered a dress out of Tortuga before we left port and have been secretly wearing it during the evening hours when Mallot and Grapple are baking cakes and such. If Ragetti ever found out, I'd be ruined for sure! Woah, I have to go. Bo'sun is taking another shot at that soufflé and needs a test dummy.

**Ragetti:** I've had a wonderful day so far; the Cap'n only called me a tard once. The birds are singing and my eye's still gone…ME LOVELY EYE'S GONE!!

* * *

**DAY 3**

**Pintel: **Twigg, Bo'sun, Ragetti and myself went into Port Royal for supplies and the occasional shot of rum before we headed back out to the ol' blue. First, we stopped by the dressers for Twigg needed a new coat; his got awfully torn and ripped after he had a fight with a squirrel…very violent…and bloody. Next, we headed to the market for Bo'sun; he needed some more fruits and veggies for the many infamous soufflés he is planning on making during our voyage. And then Ragetti needed to find something to replace the hole where his eye used to be.

**Ragetti: **ME EYE!! ME EYES' GONE!!

* * *

**DAY 4**

**Pintel: **Tomorrow we leave the port. Ragetti has been such a broken man since that fateful day when Bo'sun threw his eye out the window. He hadn't even apologized! And he knows how much that eye means to Ragetti! All he's been doing is going around day in and day out screaming, "ME EYE!! ME EYES' GONE!!" Barbossa got rather mad at 'em and kicked him off the side of the ship once, but once he caught his breath, he kept on screaming. Barbossa had him hauled back up where he called him a tard and had him locked in the brig.

**Ragetti:** ME EYE!! ME lovely, wooden eye is…Goooone!!

* * *

**DAY 5**

**Pintel: **We have finally left port. Ragetti left early in the morning to try and find another eye before we left and, well, he kind of forgot when we were leaving and we saw him, right as we were pulling away, running out of breath down the docks to reach us. Then he tripped and landed flat on his face and that was kind of the last time we saw him. Barbossa says he needs time to get his head together and we'd return in a few weeks to check on him.

* * *

**DAY 6**

**Pintel: **We used to share this journal, Ragetti and I, but now he's gone. Bo'sun talked with me while he made cabbage soufflé. I tell you now, not even the best cabbage soufflé could cheer my wounded soul.

I went to bed earlier than usual. On the way across the room I tripped over something. I brought the candle closer and discovered it was a pile of dresses! They will probably wrinkle, as thrown about as they were! I only have one word to say: _Ragetti_. That imbecile! He's been wearing dresses without me again!

Oh, Ragetti! COME BACK!!

* * *

**DAY 7**

**Pintel: **You will not believe what we found this morning! We were having a dead wind (means we weren't moving) so I jumped in the water and took a swim. Something bumped into me and when I turned my head there was RAGETTI'S EYE!! Too bad he went through all that trouble. Too bad he had to complain about his bloody eye and Barbossa had to leave him behind (hehe) or he would've found his lovely eye again!

* * *


	8. Will Turner, Week I

**Author's Note: **I just now realized that I left out Will's entry. Yeah... (teehee!)

**Disclaimer: **Me no Pirates!

* * *

**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Will Turner - Week 1**

**DAY 1**

Elizabeth and I have decided to marry and right after Norrington tried to hang Jack, Elizabeth was feeling sorely for him – not that I blame her. The Commodore would've treated her nicely…Too bad!! She's mine now!

I do hope Elizabeth doesn't find out about this diary…Err…Journal I've been secretly writing in. She would surely have a fit saying it makes me appear "feminine," "sissy-woos-like" and also that it makes me look like a "Nancy," which I don't entirely understand but am intelligent enough to unappreciate…precia-yeah…it.

Elizabeth insisted on my coming with her to one of her annual dinner parties tonight. So I, best dressed as I always am, escorted my fiancé to the Governor's Ball and Dinner. Norrington waltzed up to us, his wife Sophia holding his arm. He was shoving this in Elizabeth's face; she turned him down and he turns around with someone lovelier…Err…Prettier…Uhh…Politer than she! Ha!

Ate some of the food, but I think something's a little strange. Maybe the cook had an off night. Ohh, cramping…Uhoh…

* * *

**DAY 2**

Elizabeth tells me her father stopped to see her this afternoon and gave her something, and I don't know what it is. I shall have to snoop tonight when she's away on "business." Now, now, don't think I'm the type to go and search through people's underwear drawers. It's just that I think my fiancé is hiding something from me and I have a right to know! And she has her own little hidden agendas afterall…With her fancy tea parties and fluffy tutu balls she attends…Where do _I_ fit into her busy schedule?! Oh, that's right. I get to take the trash out, clean bird crap off the window sills. Wonderful! I should've went with Jack - jumped off that battlement…Led a good life…Too late; I shall die tending to Miss Elizabeth. At least Jack would've treated me like a real man. Wait, let me rephrase that...

* * *

**DAY 3**

I swear I saw Jack in town this afternoon. He was hurrying about in his girlie way, dropping things, stepping on things and crushing them under his feet. The things were traps. BIG traps. I was about to catch up with him and tell him of my "adventures" (if you know what I mean) but a cart passed by in front of me and when it was gone so was he.

I returned home to find Elizabeth there. She had asked Robert (her personal chef) to accompany her and he was attempting to prepare fillet mignon in my little kitchen/hutch thing. After dinner, she asked Rose (her personal masseuse – who also accompanied her) to give her a massage…Right there on my dining table! I shall have to sanitize that later…And after that she had Eric (her personal chef's personal assistant who also accompanied them) to bring her the finest vintage wine from the carriage outside. She then invited Estrella (her personal maid who of course had to be there to serve her where I couldn't currently serve) to spread gossip and chat about others and what a grievance the Patch family was. Well, it's 10pm right now and they are still talking. I guess I will be sleeping with the donkey…

D'oh!

* * *

**DAY 4**

Ran into Sparrow today; I told him the happy news about Elizabeth and I and then he said something about Tortuga which went over my head. I'm picking up a vibe; I have the distinct feeling that Jack no longer thinks of me as a man…

Fortunately for me this "loose woman" rushed at him after our bout of eerie silence, looped her arm through his and dragged him off down the street while he was yelling at her in protest about being drunk and something, something, something about Tortuga…Went over my head. Again.

Later that evening I went to the bathroom – actually, I spent quite a lot of time in there. That fillet mignon didn't sit right with me…But that's beside the point – I found Jack's compass! I wonder how much it'd be worth…Surely it's an antique!

* * *

**DAY 5**

Gillette is an extremely odd fellow. I passed him on the docks this morning on my way and he was skipping along like a dandy and singing about springtime in Paris or something of the like. I turned around and shouted at him to watch where he was going, considering he almost ran me over. As I did so he knocked into a civilian who swerved to the side, shouting fluent curses at Gillette who kept whistling cheerily, patting the angry man on the back, and walking on as if nothing had happened. Like I said…_Extremely odd…Fellow…_

I ate lunch with Elizabeth again this afternoon. She scheduled Robert to make cucumber squares and apple cider, which was all really wonderful, but I think my bowels won't have it.

Ran into Jack again; he was looking for his compass, which is odd because he hasn't been to my house in over a few months. I guess that means he really was drunk…for three months…Yeah…But he appeared rather mad and I haven't been able to discern why. He was shouting unintelligibly (he said "bloody" an awful lot) and he looked like he was about to slap me. I feared for my very life! What would Elizabeth do if I wasn't around to protect her?

* * *

**DAY 6**

I drank too much last night.

Elizabeth was complaining (again) about me wearing my hat. You know…the one with the big feather…The "Nice" Hat. Well, she bloody hates it. So I (just to tick her off) began humming that ol' pirate song Jack taught me in his letters. She scratched me and twisted my nipple…Ok…I need a bandage…

The day (aside from my morning assault) carried on as planned. Elizabeth went to town with her father and didn't return until 6 that evening. I suppose they were going to go out to dinner to discuss the wedding. I offered to cook, but they refused, telling me I should come along lest I starve. No one appreciates me.

I gave her father this little dagger with his name and family creed engraved into the blade just before the hilt. He told me to give thanks to my master, who happens to be dead. NO ONE APPRECIATES ME!!

I fixed Gillette's hat for him. He ripped a hole in it while trying to refasten his sword. Don't ask. And when I returned it, he said, "Send my thanks to your mother, Will!" MY MOTHER!?! MY MOTHER, YOU LITTLE PANSY!?!? NO…ONE…APPRECIATES…ME!! NOT EVEN THAT SCANDALOUS LITTLE WEASLE GILLETTE!!

Oh, and I also attempted to apologize to Jack Sparrow – turns out the Captain is a bit bitter about my deciding to marry Elizabeth. I always knew he was jealous of me.

* * *

**DAY 7**

Well, thus ends a week in this diary…Err…Journal. Elizabeth still doesn't know I've been keeping it. Where do I hide it, you wonder? Under my mattress…Elizabeth will NEVER think of looking there! Why just this afternoon she….Oh, what a pretty light!

Tonight was wonderful! Elizabeth actually took me with her and her father when they went into town to buy expensive wigs and gowns and hats and …I was sort of unnerved to learn this is how they spend their time together, but all is well. My fiancé respects and appreciates me again! For a moment there I thought she was taking advantage of me…Or is she?

* * *


	9. Davy Jones, Week I

**Author's Note: **Some of you may have been expecting Beckett (swoon!), but his time to shine is still off in the distance a bit. In either case, Jones is making his appearance this time around and I hope you enjoy it.

Thanks for all your support!

**Disclaimer:** Me. _Pirates. _Implausible.

* * *

**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
****Davy Jones – Week 1 **

**DAY 1**

I've been sitting here knitting for the last eight years – my claw is _killing_ me and this bloody housecoat is only one-third finished! That AND I've ruined my favorite clarinet – the toilet wouldn't unclog itself, laddie!

Besides that, sitting here in the dark has helped me to meditate on what has become of my life…that and a little help from the smooth stylings of Dashboard Confessional. Anyhoo, it turns out that I've wasted so much time on being a killjoy and have yet to begin to properly enjoy my life. Dr. Baverman says that "those who waste time being depressed deserve to be depressed." Happy to say there was a turning point in my life last week – I called grandmummie for the first time in 24 ½ years and reconciled with my uncle's half sister, then I decided that enough is enough.

I'm done being a brick in the water!! Err…a duck..in the…a brick…a duck…in…brick…water…

* * *

**DAY 2**

To Do List:

1. Kill Jack Sparrow

2. Order Word-A-Day calendar.

3. Restock pantry and toiletries.

4. Bring back Jack Sparrow.

5. Plan to spend more time "hanging out" on the town.

6. Find people to get "wild and crazy" with. Yo.

7. Kill Jack Sparrow again

8. Find town.

* * *

**DAY 3**

That blood crab wasn't worth it. Oh yeah, so anyway, my gut was telling me something last night – "DO NOT EAT THE CRAB!" Or maybe that was Hoy, but that's not the point. Well, I ate "the crab" and boy, was it swell. That is until about, oh say, three hours later and I had to make a run for it or…yeah…it was a collision course that night – the crab will never be the same.

Let's just say I lost about ten pounds in 2.5 seconds.

* * *

**DAY 4**

Yay! My Word-A-Day calendar has arrived! Fortunately for me, the crew was engaged in an exciting game of "Eunuch, Eunuch, Whelp" and didn't notice my special delivery. It's such a touchy subject! Sure, their little game may sound innocent, but they play with sharp sticks and wet towels! Why, just last week someone lost an eye! Stupid towels…I don't know why I keep getting them sent off to be dry cleaned….they get better treatment than the floormats! Speaking of which…

TO DO: Get floormats steam cleaned. They are starting to look a bit dungy.

Word of the Day: _Fallacious.

* * *

_

**DAY 5**

Word of the Day: _Sardoodledom_.

I've decided that in order to get the most out of my Word-A-Day calendar, I will use each day's word in a sentence. Oh, yay! Alright, so…sardoodledom…sar-doo-dle-dom…

Ooh, I've got it! Alright…

This journal is quite the _sardoodledom_.

I am THE _sardoodledom_.

* * *

**DAY 6**

My compassion for the sardoodledom – I mean, the Word-A-Day calendar – has been my undoing. I have been descried by my cohorts on account of this sitzmark of a calendar…

They've threatened to burn the darn thing if I don't keep the haplology to a minimum! I am the Captain! ME!! They are all just jealous of my intellectuality! It's so éclat and so deliciously divine! AND I WILL KEEP MY CALENDAR!

THE WORD OF THE DAY IS **PAMPHLETEER!! TO WRITE AND PUBLISH PAMPHLETS!!!!

* * *

**

**DAY 7**

The calendar is dead. It would appear by the score marks and holes in my door and walls that they snuck inside in the middle of the night, hijacked my dearest calendar and then proceeded to commit unspeakable horrors against it! Maccus denies any wrongdoing, but the panty raid is over!! I won't rest until I have my calendar!

* * *


	10. Cutler Beckett, Week I

**Author's Note: **Can you believe that it's been a _year_?! Anyway, why not start 2009 off (belatedly) with some Becketty goodness!  
MMmmm...

**

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**

RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Lord Cutler Beckett – Week 1

**DAY 1**

I saw Elizabeth today! Well, she didn't know that I saw her as I was wearing my curly blonde wig and matching mustache! Such a scallywag I am! Oh, oh, anyway she is positively too scrumptious to be seen with that wimpy rat terrier of a Turner man. Was that _eyeliner_ he was wearing?! Too sissy for me…

Oh, my peppermint tea and triscuits are ready!

* * *

**DAY 2**

I had a dia – _journal_ once, twenty-five years ago in the second grade. Father preferred me not to talk much so I would often stow away underneath the back porch with a platter of grilled cheese sandwiches for hours upon hours on end, stuffing my neck with the delicious cheesy melts! I didn't cry a lot then, even when father resorted to letting Parker, our gardener, school me on the meaning of life. I still don't know how the birds and bees do _that_?! It is quite physically and aerodynamically impossibly incompatible!

* * *

**DAY 3**

Masculinity. Apparently, I'm void of it all.

This is awkward.

Yup.

Hmm.

DUSTY SHALLOTS!!!1

* * *

**DAY 4**

I have a strange craving for mussels…or a heaping plate of capers with a side of low-fat raspberry dipping sauce.

Or mussel dipping sauce.

OR pancakes stuffed with mussels covered in low-fat raspberry LEMON lotion……dressing! Sauce!

* * *

**DAY 5**

I am **not** a happy camper.

* * *

**DAY 6**

Perhaps I haven't made myself perfectly clear…

When I became Grand Dictator and Lord, no one ever told me how much bloody paper work there would be!! Instead of being able to go out and ruin people's lives, flushing their hopes and dreams into the sewers with leftovers and rotting cabbages, I sit behind my little desk (well, it's not the size that matters!!) and sign warrants, truces, declarations of war, coconut embargoes…

* * *

**DAY 7**

Mercer was absolutely right about this little writing endeavor…I do rather feel free…aside from the emotional constipation that constantly hangs over my head, dumping all over me at the most inopportune moments. Why, just this past month at the Queen de la Mort's 79th birthday extravaganza and Italian sausage roast, Prince Regent Mitzy IV asked me how my dictatorship was running and if the coconuts were still rolling in and I…I don't know what came over me! It was as if a fine mist shrouded my vision…my eyes felt…_wet_…and I hit the floor with no recollection of the event. Surely a phenomena!

Regardless…**I am Lord Cutler Eugene Beckett! **A _rock _to be reckoned with! Strong…firm…virile…Uh…strong…

* * *


	11. Mr Mercer, Week 1

**Author's Note: **Thanks to all the guys and dolls that have reviewed. Loves you!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Pirates of the Caribbean_. Pffft, just give me some Norrie...rawr.

* * *

**RumRunner: Diary of a Pirate  
Mr. Mercer - Week 1**

* * *

**DAY 1**

My therapist says keeping a diary is a good way to get my anger issues sorted out and to make sure my other issues – peanut issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, shiny buckle issues, spider issues, Kleenex issues…

ANYHOO… I need a hobby…scraping the bottoms of Cutler's boots and dispatching his frenemies just isn't cutting it for me. Where is the excitement? The hubbub? The _bliss_?

* * *

**DAY 2**

Still no hobby.

More shameless doing of bad things and things that are not so good. My tummy hurts.

* * *

**DAY 3**

I GOT A PUPPY! The most precious Cocker Spaniel the likes of which this sad island has ever seen! Sparkles will be my bestest best friend forever…we'll finger paint, take long walks on the beach, watch the sun set, splash in the fountain in the middle of Port Royal Square, catch butterflies…Oh, my life is complete at long last.

* * *

**DAY 4**

DOOOOOOOOOOM!!1

Cutler is being a buttmunch today! So here I was headed to the drycleaners to drop off my black coat and matching hosiery (if you wash them yourself, they get all these little fuzzies stuck to them and the colors dull like you would **not** believe)…anyway…Cutler tells me to just do it later because he has an errand for me. It can't wait! I'm wearing off-black today! I _need_ my pure onyx black midnight oil leggings and tights and panties and…my coat…and….NO!! I need them to be menacing! His errand is probably junk anyway. Like the time when he told me to go to the soap store because it wasn't the right "shade" of lilac. What does that even mean?! Or…Or…Or when he made me take that boat to Tortuga and I ended up getting mugged! They took my razors…I need those to –

(_The rest of the page is a smudged mess of wet and black…Mercer still has issues applying his guy-liner_.)

* * *

**DAY 5**

nOM, NOM, NoM…

I heart cheese.

* * *

**DAY 6**

Did **NOT** have the happiest of days.

Sparkles was cheating on me with the cabana boy. I found them in the cabana thing with chewies and a squeaky moose. A SQUEAKY MOOSE!!

Killed cabana boy. There was a lot of blood. And banana tanning lotion.

THEN, Cutler had my second cousin's sister's best friend burned at the stake for being a pirate. Since we were so closely related, Cutler nearly turned on me. To prove my loyalty, I brought him a lemon tort and a Shetland pony named Henry. Shetland pony wiped out my savings, which means no more cheese.

Note to self: Kill Henry.

* * *

**DAY 7**

Cutler and I stayed up late playing pinochle like two old ladies, gossiping and sipping tea by the fire in our finest flannel pajamas. It's like having the sister I never had! I had to wipe away a few tears…  
But then he turned on me! Screaming at me like a madman when I asked if he wanted some more graham crackers. The Beast swiped at me and overturned the card table, shouting about how virile he is and how he is one to be reckoned with! I agreed, naturally, but don't quite understand the virile part…

He doesn't want to be called Cutler anymore. Just Lord Beckett, his worshipfulness, or Lord Beckett the Sovereign of Port Royal and the Universe.

The power is driving him mad…or maybe it was just the absinthe I poured in his tea.

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End file.
